Friday, March 09, 2007

Munkee Python's the Meaning of Life

I've been pondering the meaning of life the past few days. Well, the meaning of love and life.

I've been dating a girl - Marisa - and as we've gotten more serious, it's had me thinking a lot about the past, present and ... dare I dream? ... future.

As many of you probably know, I was engaged once, a long time ago, and it didn't work out. I was young, innocent, naive, a lot of things both good and bad. And I dreamed. I figured out back then my sort-of definition of love: If you can hold someone, look at someone, look into their eyes, and see your future... if you want to see them every moment you're not with them, and it's got nothing to do with sex or loneliness... if you smile when you think about the next time you'll be together, even if you're just going to be sitting around...

I've been in love twice, at least by my reckoning. And not to put the cart ahead of the horse in my brand-new relationship, but I mean, let's be real. I'm 32 years old. I've been on so many dates, if I get to a third one I start forgetting what stories and jokes I've told to whom. I'm not looking for casual sex, much as I've enjoyed it (in my admittedly limited experience). I'm not looking for someone to keep me company because I've got nothing better to do and no one to hang out with.

I would like to meet the woman I'll spend the rest of my life with.

I thought I had, once upon a time. I did a lot of things right and probably a lot more things wrong. And then, after years of brooding and wondering and questioning, I got what I thought was a second chance.

I threw myself in, head-first, and in six months, had a more intense relationship than the four-and-a-half years of the one before. And it ended in disaster.

Lesson: You can't MAKE it work. You can't fight your way to victory in love. Love isn't a hockey game. Life isn't a hockey game.

Much as I wish it were different. Simpler.

But as I've gotten older, and maybe traded some of the fire in my belly for maturity, as I've passed the age at which my father married - late, for the time - as I've bought a house, and made out a will, and thought about my parents dying, and my own death...

I find I want something different. That doesn't mean settling. No, never that. But something different from what I used to want. And really, something more. Security, comfort, mutual devotion. I don't need someone who's crazy - but exciting! - and although I don't want someone boring, I want someone stable. Someone interesting. Someone I enjoy talking with even more than having wild sex with. Someone I enjoy holding in my arms when I dream.

(Not that there's anything wrong with wild sex. I'm getting older, but I'm not dead, eh?)

In short, my outlook on relationships has gone from sports car to SUV, kind of like my outlook on vehicles. No reason to live fast and die young. There's glory in that, but not the kind I seek.

I guess I just realized I want something different out of my life than I thought I did in my younger, wilder, more aggressive days. I'm not that guy anymore. I'm still me, just a newer - and hopefully better - version.

I used to wonder if my selling out for love as a teenager and losing it had ruined me. If I could repair a broken heart all the way, or if I was destined to never be able to give that much again, out of fear, out of hurt, out of shame.

I don't know if you ever can repair a broken heart and make it good as mint-in-box new, but I've learned I'm not ruined. I've learned I can love again, and I don't have to wait for and wish for perfection - I just have to find the person who's perfect for me.

Does that make any sense? Don't you hate when I get philosophical like that?

As for whether or not the third time's a charm, and I'm in love with Marisa, and whether or not I can see our future in her eyes... Well, that's between her and me.

That's right, suckers, you read this far and you don't even get an answer. Hey, I may be older and wiser, but I'm still me!

Insert big grin here.


Lesley said...

Yay for happy beginnings!!!

Now, I read all the way to the end, and I can't believe you didn't give us an answer! Well, actually, I can believe that YOU would do such a thing, but still. Tease!

Well, I'll just share a quote with you that I have also told to my Real: "Nothing matters in this whole wide world when you're in love with a Jersey Girl." Tom Waits said that originally but Springsteen made it famous.

I'm just saying.

Stewie said...

I just threw up a little in my mouth.