Friday, March 28, 2008

33 years of... me! Part 3: The 1990s!

Moving ahead, on Jan. 1, 1990, I was 15 going on 16.

The 1990s:

Fall: This was the start of my junior year, and the year I blossomed into a leading man in my high school's Drama Department: John Procter in Arthur Miller's "The Crucible". Yeah, most of the other auditioners were as surprised as me. Even if it was a Theatre Arts class with a limited tryout pool.
October: My first girlfriend, Kristine! Lasted about a month. We were in the play together, and I always suspect she fell for my character, not me.

Jan. 16: The Gulf War began that night, and I'll never forget it. I was at Drama practice (different show) and me and one other guy, Jeff, were at a singing rehearsal with a whole bunch of girls when our buddy Fran ran into the auditorium and yelled, "Hey, turn on the TV, we're at war!" Jeff and I spent the rest of the rehearsal watching one of the TVs that Channel One had put into our school. Then, when I got home, it was CNN and Bernie, John and Peter under the desk in their hotel.

Spring: After three straight major roles, I suffered the disappointment of failing to land a spot in the final show of my senior year, "A Chorus Line."
June: Graduation. While trying not to brag too much, I will say my valedictory speech got many compliments... and followed what I call "Nick's Rule of Speechgiving": Keep it short. Two minutes flat. And best of all, my grandmother was there to see it.
September: Off to college, pledging Pi Lambda Phi, getting my first beat covering soccer for The Tartan and dating Michelle. 'Twas a big fall semester for me... and a 4.0, too! A word of advice: Never get a 4.0 your very first semester of college. Your parents will expect it every semester. And, despite the honors medal they hung on me in 1996, I never did it again.

Spring: This was a tough one. My grandmother died, and was buried the day after my pledge test at my fraternity. That was how I (to rehash an old story) almost decked a Lyndon Larouche supporter in Atlanta's airport.
Fall: My sophomore year didn't get much better, though it was highlighted by my one and only role - and line - in a college play, "Lysistrata" for Scotch 'n' Soda at CMU. (OK, so I was in a play at Bloomsburg U. when I was a kid; only goes to show how my career backslid.) ...

January: ...But, on the other hand, I managed to get myself an elected promotion, from Assistant Sports Editor to Sports Editor of The Tartan.
September: Engagement! Maybe it was a poor decision by a couple of teenage kids, but we were in love at the time and I know when I asked Michelle to marry me and she said yes, she meant it at the time, and so did I. Marisa says things always happen for a reason and work out for the best... So I guess I could say I had this experience, with all its highs and lows, so I could better understand and appreciate the even greater love I'd someday find. Still, until the past couple of years, I daresay the night of that proposal was the highlight of my life, so it deserves mention.
December: One of my fraternity brothers died, in an alcohol-related accident. A tough lesson for a teen, but one I'll always carry with me. He was the first person to shake my hand after my engagement, and a few months later, he was dead. Kind of puts getting stomped in the election for Tartan editor-in-chief in perspective.

January: After a one-sided rout at the hands of a (soon to be former) friend, I wound up the copy chief of The Tartan, which unbeknownst to me would set the stage for the career in journalism I have now. At the time, I mostly loved the fact that it paid well, relatively speaking.

May: Graduation, with honors. Outside. In 95-degree heat. In a woolen robe. And a suit. And less than a week later, on to my first job, with The Express-Times of Easton, Pa.
Summer: We adopted a runty, puppy-mill/pet store, purebreed dachshund, and named him Morgan. Adventures ensued, for nine years.
May and October: A couple of sports highlights: A colleague at the E-T, Steve, saying he'd never watch hockey again if Uwe Krupp scored the winning goal in the Stanley Cup finals, shortly before he did just that. And my Yankees winning their first World Series since 1978.

Spring: Michelle broke off our engagement. Let's move along, shall we?
September: On the weekend I was supposed to be married, I transitioned to my second job, moving to the bigger paper in the Lehigh Valley, The Morning Call in Allentown.

October: I can't think of much for this year, but the Yankees did win their first of three straight World Series titles.

• Erm... yeah. Still working in A-town. Cruising along. Got a pseudo-promotion from rim editing to edition layout. On the upside, I wrote an article for the Call's Y2K series. Sorry, it's a dull, professional, lonely and slightly monastic life I was leading those couple of years. I did go to Key West with my buddy Rolando somewhere in there. That rocked.

Speaking of Y2K... On to Part 4!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

33 years of... me! Part 2: The 1980s!

Moving right along, on Jan. 1, 1980, I was 4 years old, going on 5.

The 1980s:

August: I started elementary school. I skipped from kindergarten to first grade early in the year, and responded by promptly throwing up in the back seat of my mother's car on my second day of first grade. I also met two guys, Turbo and Dave, who would be my best friends all through school. Heck, Dave's my best friend to this day.

Jan. 25: The Oakland Raiders won Super Bowl XV, starting my lifelong love of all things Silver & Black. This was the first football game I'd ever seen on TV...
December: My Grandpa Sam died, which was really my first experience with death. He lived with us up until near the end, and I'll always think of him sitting out on our front porch in his chair.

October: This is the first year I remember getting to stay up late and watch the World Series on TV. I believe I was rooting for the Milwaukee Brewers, but the St. Louis Cardinals won. I think I was mostly excited that I got to watch pretty late. Mind you, I was already a New York Yankees fan, like my father before me. My favorite player? Graig Nettles, who succeeded the other "Mick," Mickey Rivers.

• This was the year I got my first baseball card set, the 1983 Topps set, which started a hobby I kept up all the way through high school. I remember sorting the set by team and then trading players, based primarily, I suspect, on how cool they looked in their pictures.

Summer: I also attended my first New York Yankees game. Shane Rawley pitched, and got shelled in an 8-0 loss to the Toronto Blue Jays. We had great seats down the right field line, thanks to my Uncle Leo, and I remember at one point, right fielder Oscar Gamble didn't try to catch a homer (Barry Bonnell?) that barely cleared the wall, and a fan near me yelled "Life is a gamble, Oscar!"

Jan. 22: In a game most people probably remember for a commercial, my Raiders won Super Bowl XVIII, making me a hero at school because, a year after predicting the Washington Redskins' upset of the Miami Dolphins in Super Bowl XVII, I predicted the Raiders' upset of the defending champs.
October: On the other hand, I got beaten up in school for wearing a San Diego Padres jersey after the Padres lost the World Series. Hey, it was a gift.

School year 1984-85: This was the year I got chicken pox. I liked missing 10 days of school (still a personal best), but I couldn't resist scab-picking. My complexion regrets that to this day. I also took the first real beating of my life, getting pounded by a kid about three years older and twice my size. Later, he put his arm through a window and needed about a zillion stitches. Then he moved away. I shed no tears at either event.
October: Another baseball memory, this one poor umpire Don Denkinger blew a call at first base that helped the Kansas City Royals win the World Series over the irate St. Louis Cardinals. More on them in a second...

• This was a momentous year in my life, though I often think of it in the context of the 1985 season, because this was the year I got my first sports simulation game: SherCo baseball! It was the 1985 baseball season, and the best part was, there were all kinds of extra teams you could order... and they gave you stats formulas so you could update the players yourself. What a great game!

School year 1986-87: Somewhere in here, two events that radically changed my life took place. First, I learned to play street hockey in gym class (did I ever tell you how I scored the game-winning goal in triple-OT of the seventh-grade street hockey tournament semifinals? Evidently, I have.). Second, after a few years of bullying, I finally hit back. One punch, by surprise, in the middle of a class. And I never got bullied again. Especially not when I was carrying a hockey stick. And unafraid to use it.
• This was also the best season of the man who at the time was my favorite player, and possibly the first sign of my obsessive streak: Babyfaced first baseman and all-around good guy Wally Joyner. Why Wally World? Because I realized I had every single one of his rookie cards from 1986, when he became the first rookie to start in an All-Star game, and I began collecting every single Wally Joyner card I could get my hands on. I still have most of them, at least until I stopped collecting.

August: I went off to high school. By the end of the year, I was 13 and eventually 14, and not handling it well. But that was in 1989...

June: The year I started my run at the top of the Class of 1992. It wasn't nearly as fun as it sounds. Let's skip ahead before I get too depressed.

On to Part 3!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Big (Month) of Blogs, Part 4: 33 years of... me! Part 1: The 1970s

OK, here's the deal...

I started this post on Feb. 12, my 33rd birthday! And realized quite quickly it was going to take a heck of a lot more effort than I intended.

Thus, more than a month later, I'm finishing up.


See, back then, I was trying to think of something exciting to post. Maybe about Marisa's exciting stadium bundt cake. Except she already did. Or about my cool gift, a "20 Questions" game of my very own. Except I already did (back when I was still hoping).

So I pondered a while that morning.

Then I went back to sleep.

Then I woke up. Because I had an idea.

Then I went back to sleep.

Then, when I woke up again, I had to think of everything I wanted to write - and write it.

So like I said, this took a little while to put together. My apologies. Meanwhile...

Think of it as... a year in review, except a whole 33 of them!

It was that, or try to recap the pilot of the remake of "Battlestar Galactica," dubbed "33."

So, without further ado, here goes my "33 for 33," not to be confused with my "101 in 1,001" list.

OK, a little ado, by way of real explanation, now that I think about it: I've taken every year I've been alive, and I'm just going to list a couple of little nuggets of information, mostly either tied in to my life, or major events with a little bit of my world view. Or whatever strikes my fancy, really.

And one more addendum: I'm splitting this one up. For crying out loud, it's turning out to be huge. So here's Part 1 of Part 4 of the big blog month:

The 1970s

Feb.-April: I was born. I was taken from Vietnam. I was adopted. Yay!

July 4: I was a baby, so I probably slept through the Bicentennial.

Jan. 9: The Oakland Raiders won Super Bowl XI. I missed this.
My Mom probably knows when: I took my first steps... at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Years later, I'd lose a couple of hundred bucks there in my only other visit.

My Mom could probably tell you: But I seem to have spent most of this year much like my birthday morning: Sleeping. In other words, I missed this, too.

Preschool: I became a U.S. citizen. I remember this quite fondly. There was a courtroom, and I wore my favorite sweater and one of those macaroni necklaces little kids make. My preschool threw a huge party for me, the highlight of which was a long banner on this big piece of brown paper that stretched the whole length of the room. (Disclaimer: I suppose this might have been 1980, but I know it was preschool, and I think I was 4.)

On to Part 2!

So that's why they call them the "Astros"

Couldn't Houston have just called this a "lower-body injury"?

Kazuo Matsui could miss the first two weeks of the season while he recovers from a surgical procedure to repair an anal fissure. The second baseman was officially placed on the disabled list Tuesday, retroactive to March 21.

(The bold emphasis is mine.)

I always associate the term with this early Internet saga, but it's actually a real medical condition. And a painful-sounding one, at that.

Get well soon, Kaz. For all our sakes'.

Friday, March 14, 2008

A random Eliot Spitzer interlude

Under the circumstances, the circumstances also including insomnia, I thought I'd point out...

According to Dante's "Divine Comedy":

The second circle of hell is reserved for the lustful, but...

The eighth circle is the punishment for corrupt politicians (Bolgia 5)...

And hypocrites (Bolgia 6). Ahem:

"This was a sophisticated and lucrative operation with a multi-tiered management structure," Spitzer said. "It was, however, nothing more than a prostitution ring, and now its owners and operators will be held accountable."

Shh! Don't tell...

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Big (Week) of Blogs, Part 3: Shilling my wedding vendors!

OK, having faced another setback in our wedding planning - do you go to hell for being furious with a rabbi? - I thought I'd cheer myself up by getting to Part 3 of the four blogs I've been wanting to write.

Which is to say, indulging myself a bit and shilling my wedding vendors.

Hey, it's my big day, too. Even if it's far more about my bride-to-be and both our sets of parents.

• Location/catering:
The Berkeley Plaza, Berkeley Heights, N.J., which gives plenty of bang for the buck.

• Photographer:
Celebration Studios Yeah, right! Let's try again:
Josh Lynn Photography of North Plainfield, N.J., who we should have picked all along.

• Videographer:
Kleer Video of Parsippany, N.J., which did M's cousin's lovely video.

• DJ:
Nick Cavaleri of Imagine Entertainment in Red Bank, who did M's friend Mac's wedding.

• Flowers:
Yumila at Metropolitan Plant & Flower Exchange in Saddle Brook.

• Clothing:
Dresses by David's Bridal and tuxedos by affiliate Men's Wearhouse/MW Tux.

So, if you are one of the above, or provide a wedding service not on that list, send coupons, free samples, etc., and Mookie will be delighted to endorse you!

Now to pull a rabbi out of a hat...

A year of reading!

AS OF OCT. 27, this list is being discontinued. My apologies. I just can't keep up. Suffice it to say I cracked 10,000 pages, surprising even myself.

So Stewie has his Metro Reading and HorrorTalk has its books forum...

But I've tried without much success to keep track of what I've been perusing lately. So here's what I'm going to do... (before I finish the two other posts I promised last weekend that I never got to...)

I'm going to make a list, like my 101 in 1,001 list...

Of a year worth of reading. I'm starting on Feb. 10 of this year, because that was when I got several books for my birthday, and I'm going to (try to) keep this list through Feb. 10 of next year.


As of July 5, 2008:

King of Russiaby Dave King (256 pages), a coach's story of his year in the Russian hockey league. Thumbs-up - nothing I love better than a good year-in-the-life-of-a-team book
The GMby Tom Callahan (288 pages), the fascinating - and remarkably prescient - story of retired N.Y. Giants general manager Ernie Accorsi. Thumbs-up for another year-in-the-life type
30 Days of Night(re-read) by Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith (104 pages), the popular graphic novel of vampires and an Alaskan town. Thumbs-up, if you like the type, which I do
Seven Deadly Wonders(re-read) by Matthew Reilly (400 pages), the first Jack West Jr. novel from my favorite author. Thumbs-up; more of Reilly's trademark nonstop action
The 6 Sacred Stonesby Matthew Reilly (448 pages), the second and latest Jack West Jr. novel. Thumbs-up, though we'll have to wait a year for Part 3
Half a Wing, Three Engines and a Prayer(re-read) by Brian D. O'Neill (454 pages), a look at the World War II daylight bombing campaign through the eyes of one B-17 crew. Thumbs-up for one of the best war histories I've ever read
Carlisle vs. Armyby Lars Anderson (368 pages), a social and sports history focused on the 1912 football game between Jim Thorpe's "Pop" Warner-coached Carlisle Indian School and Dwight Eisenhower's U.S. Military Academy team. Thumbs-up - for history and sports fans alike, and I'm both
Aliens Omnibus, Vol. 1by Mark Verheiden, et al. (384 pages), the first collection of the movie-inspired Dark Horse comics. Thumbs-up, but just barely - it's a bit too not-quite-the-movie
Aliens Omnibus, Vol. 2by various authors (448 pages), the second collection of the movie-inspired Dark Horse comics. Thumbs-up; it's better than Vol. 1, but not much
An Incomplete and Inaccurate History of Sportby Kenny Mayne (256 pages), a bit of humorous light reading that mixes some truly interesting and touching biography with the ESPN anchor's love-him-or-hate-him snarkiness in a way that makes me like the man far more than I ever have on "Sportscenter," which may be damning with faint praise. A half-hearted thumbs-up
Aliens Omnibus, Vol. 3by various authors (376 pages), the third collection of the movie-inspired Dark Horse comics. Thumbs-up, but like the first two, for fans only
Blasphemyby Douglas Preston (416 pages), the inconsistent latest solo novel by one of my favorite authors, dealing with technology and religion, but, disappointingly, not tied in - in any noticeable way - to the Preston-Child "pangea." Thumbs-up, though probably the least of all the Preston and/or Child books
Skinny Bitchby Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin (224 pages), a chick-lit snarkfest of a diet book that my fiancee wanted me to read for some reason. Thumbs-down, though certainly thumbs-up for those who want to either a) go vegan; or b) be disgusted with how your meat is made
The Fortune Cookie Chroniclesby Jennifer 8. Lee (320 pages), a look at Chinese-American culture through the window of American Chinese food. Thumbs-up, for total awesomeness about Chinese food from General Tso to the titular dessert
Son of the Morning Star(re-read) by Evan S. Connell (448 pages), the seminal one-volume account of Custer's doomed battle at the Little Bighorn. Thumbs-up, though I'm eager to get a hold of a new book on the battle, this is a fine standard
The Hellbound Heartby Clive Barker (112 pages), the anniversary edition of the novella upon which the "Hellraiser" movies are based. A slightly dubious thumbs-up for a well-written book in great LE form, but a touch overhyped
Gleefully Macabre Tales by Jeff Strand (288 pages), a collection of comic/horror short stories from one of my new favorite horror fiction authors. Thumbs-up, particularly for the wiener dog
Landscape Turned Red(re-read) by Stephen W. Sears (464 pages), a study of the battle at Antietam and the events around it, by one of the great Civil War historians. Thumbs-up for one of the great Civil War writers on America's deadliest day
Disaster in the West Woods(re-read) by Marion V. Armstrong (77 pages), a focused study on Gen. Edwin "Bull" Sumner's disastrous II Corps charge at Antietam. Thumbs-up, making me look forward to Armstrong's full-length book on the subject
Donnybrookby David Detzer (576 pages), a nice one-volume read on the first Battle of Bull Ran, the first major engagement of the Civil War. Thumbs-up, though it could use more maps and photos
Graven Imageby Ray Garton (90 pages), a special not-for-sale Cemetery Dance limited edition featuring an unholy crucifix. A mild thumbs-up, as it's creepy, if a touch predictable
Basic Blackby Terry Dowling (314 pages), a limited edition from Cemetery Dance featuring short stories by an Aussie writer. Thumbs-down, I'm afraid - maybe it's the Aussie factor, but these just didn't do it for me
The Number 121 to Pennsylvania & Othersby Kealan Patrick Burke (550 pages), another Cemetery Dance LE of short stories, this time by the author of the great "The Turtle Boy" and its sequels. Thumbs-up, a distinct improvement over the previous short-story collection
Slivers of Boneby Ray Garton (508 pages), a third Cemetery Dance LE of short stories by well-known genre writers. A thumbs-up with a caveat, as some stories are genuinely predictable, but others are genuinely scary
Last in Their Classby James S. Robbins (500 pages), the story of West Point's "goats" of the 19th century, including George Armstrong Custer and George E. Pickett. Thumbs-up, though a bit dry, generally interesting, assuming you are interested in Civil War and Indian wars history
Moneyball(re-read) by Michael Lewis (320 pages), the seminal text on small-market baseball and the Oakland A's. Thumbs-up for one of the great sports books of all-time
The Mistby Stephen King (178 pages), which I read after seeing the movie as part of "Skeleton Crew" along with the following story, which I couldn't resist because it was called "The Monkey." Thumbs-up, as the story is much better than Darabont's fairly good film,particularly the ending

Total pages: 9,177

Currently reading:
King Ratby China Mieville (320 pages), though I'm reading the version from Earthling Publications, the first novel in its "Modern Classics" line.

On deck:
The rest of the Earthling Modern Classics series.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Big Day of Blogs, Part 2: I've been tagged!

While I was pondering when I'd have time to write the three blog posts I owe you...

Jin tagged me.

Darn it. Now it's four. Well, this'll be two down, two to go!

7 freakish things about moi

1. I'm fascinated by biology, and not really in a good, Punnett square kind of way, though I love me those, too. For instance, I walk Norton, the dog, every day. And he poops. Which is kind of the point. But I'm thoroughly fascinated by the size, color, quantity and quality of same. (Not in a sexual way or anything. Eww.) I've always longed to visit the Mutter Museum of biological oddities. I can't pass up a good story on two-headed kittens, especially if there are photos. I frequent Awful Plastic Surgery and so on.

2. Which sort of brings me to my next point. Despite my manly-man interests, such as sports and boobs, and my more intellectual pastimes, such as reading and writing... I love me some celebrity gossip. Supermarket tabloid headlines, nip-slip Web sites, whatever. Back when I was working on "Dead Hunt," I used to crash at Stewie and Freak's place, and in the bathroom, they'd have two kinds of mags: Stewie's horror mags and Freak's Us Weekly. Guess which one I'd read on the throne? Yeah. One day, Freak says to me, "You know, I was wondering why I'd pick up my magazine and it would be on a different page. I couldn't imagine it was Stewie." Yeah, erm.

3. I don't blow my nose. (See Part 1 for the results of that.) I get very frequent nosebleeds sometimes, and blowing my nose makes it bleed with near 100% frequency. I don't floss, either. Same thing, except it makes my gums bleed. (Because it would be weird if flossing made my nose bleed.) Don't get me wrong. I try to maintain good hygiene and all that - brushing daily, showering, stuff like that. But if you've ever woken up literally in a pool of blood on your pillow, as I have more than once, you do what you can to avoid stuff like that.

4. I have almost no body hair. I guess it's an Asian thing. But I've been trying to grow a decent beard/mustache/goatee for most of my life, with absolutely no success. I've got friends who have more five o'clock shadow by five o'clock than I have if I don't shave for a week. No arm hair. A little sparse leg hair. About four chest hairs. (Yeah, hair in the usual three spots. I mean, come on. I have eyebrows, too.) I have less arm hair than most girls I know, for crying out loud. And I've got friends with more hair on their back than I've got on my entire torso, armpits included.

(Editor's Note: This is the exact spot where I've realized, I'm just not that much of a freak. So expect the rest of my list to get progressively lamer.)

5. I like to do laundry. Marisa will tell you I don't do it nearly enough. But I do enjoy it. I don't iron mind you. But I wash. I dry. I fold.
Again, maybe an Asian thing. Plus, who doesn't like the smell of clothes dryer steam?

6. Speaking of clothes, for a guy who'd never, ever be mistaken for a fashion plate, I have a mild fascination with doll clothes. I've bought several outfits for Mookie. I've bought a variety of uniforms for my G.I. Joe soldiers. And I've always had this vague jealousy of girls, because Barbie just has so much stuff.

7. Speaking of girls... Finally, many of my Dungeons & Dragons characters and protagonists in my writing are female. I don't know why. It's not like, as most of my friends, ex-es, etc. will tell you, I know much about girls. It's not a fantasy or a mental thing, like I'm a woman trapped in a man's body. (At least, I don't think so. And if I am, I really am a male lesbian, because I like girls - and not guys - that way, if you know what I mean.) But anyway, that's just how it is. Maybe it's some kind of way of ramping up the whole "role-playing" aspect or some quirk in my imagination. I don't know. Maybe it's just, like the biological oddities thing, fascination with something I know nothing about.

There, that's seven freakish(-ish) things about me. I hope you feel enlightened, and not, as I do, squicky.

Listen up! 7 peeps that must do this are:
Yeah, you know what, I'm not tagging anybody, because half my usually "tag-ees" won't do it, and as for M, well, I'm not sure I want to know...

Big Day of Blogs, Part 1: Monkey Madness

Today, my main goals on a rare Sunday when I have nothing to do, are as follows:

• Write the four blog posts I've been meaning to write.
• Hack through our mountain of laundry so I can lay off the Sherpas.

Thus, Part 1 of 4: Monkey Madness!

This one harks back to the bad old days of Monkey Mondays past. Two bits of monkey news you might find fun!

The first one is from via CNN. It has to do with one of my favorite places in the world: Monkey Jungle!

There was -- and I believe there probably still is -- a place in Florida called the Monkey Jungle. It had funny little monkeys swinging from vines overhead, it had monkey memorabilia that made monkey memories last forever, it even had a monkey that was trained to put his hairy little arms around your neck and smile for the camera. I could go on, but suffice it to say the place was lousy with monkeys, and my cousin Suzie Gale and I thought we'd found paradise, complete with souvenir shop and snack bar. Then it happened.

Fact: Suzie was holding a peanut.

Fact: There, high above a large cage of spider monkeys, hung a gigantic sign that read, "Do not feed the monkeys."

You can imagine how this one ends!

The second piece of monkey madness is slightly more informative, and definitely more raunchy. This one is also via CNN, and it's from Time magazine:

Leah was staring at George. A series of rapid, pulsating whimpers escaped her lips. She then drew near to George, who locked gazes with her, his face unreadable. His shoulders were relaxed, and when Leah was within his grasp he opened his right arm and embraced her. Leah lay on the ground and George looked into her eyes. He bent over to lie on her, while Leah wrapped her legs around George's waist...

Is this a missing letter from the Penthouse Forum? The steamy section of a well-thumbed romance novel? Try neither: The scene is actually taken from the April 2007 issue of the Gorilla Gazette, a primatology journal. Leah and George aren't star-crossed lovers caught in mid-tryst. They're western gorillas in Nouabale-Ndoki National Park in the Republic of Congo...

That's right. Monkey mating! Believe it or not, scientists are studying why some gorillas do it in the missionary position, as opposed to doggie... er... monkey style.

(Editor's Note: Adults only on that link! NSFW! Yadda yadda yadda! This one, too! Ya perverts!)

Watch for Parts 2, 3 and 4 later today! If we're both lucky.

(Editor's Note II: I don't know if we will be. Not a second after I typed, "If we're both lucky," I sneezed and horked a giant snot ball all over my laptop screen. This may well be an omen.)