Wednesday, January 02, 2008

New Year's (lack of) Resolution?

As the clock ticks over to midnight, January 2, I'm up with a bit of a tummyache and thinking about resolutions.

Marisa asked me yesterday morning if I had any, and I just sort of joked that I'd like to get through the year alive.

If you must have a formal resolution, keep an eye on the Monkey Waistline Tracker on the left. I'm aiming to get down to 200 for the wedding in August, and even if the holidays were a bit of a setback (I think I gained 3 pounds this week, and I feel like hell), I think I can do it. It's a pound or two a month, for crying out loud.

Anyway, most days, I think about being better: Doing more, being more helpful, being a better boss now, just being a good guy. I'm starting to think about marriage and a family, I've gotten pretty used to sharing my life with someone again and all that entails, both good (snuggling) and bad (compromising).

So it's a little tough to try and decide what my goals for 2008 are.

Above all, I want to get married. I'm crazy in love, and as someone who was engaged once before - but not married - I guess I have a bit of a deep-down fear that won't be settled until M walks down the aisle and says, "I do."

Of course, there's stress - a new/old boss at work could mean big, if better, changes, plus there's the continued turmoil in the industry, plus the opposite hours. And then there's always the money or lack thereof, and the house, and the crazy dog, and of course, planning the whole August affair.

Time remains a big issue. Time to do the things I want to do, time to spend with M, even at the expense of things I love (albeit less), time to just relax, which there is never enough of.

My health, which on the surface is good - passed my physical, it seems - but continues to nag in places. The achy calf is better, but still flares; my balky knees really appreciate the weight loss; my headaches come and go. Not too many complaints, even if I'm back on the meds, and take too much Advil for my too-frequent headaches.

The wedding should be fun, and the honeymoon more fun, but we worry about money, and then there's the family we both want, which will undoubtedly tighten money even more... I always joke that her job is to dream, my job is to worry about paying for it, because that suits our personalities, but it is stressful to think about - how we can barely pay for everything now, and yet we want to try and do without her income for as long as we can...

Still. I have to say 2007 was one of the best years of my life - I fell in love, for real, for sure, for certain, and really, the rest is just details, even if it includes a promotion I worked six-plus years for. Still. New job, new house, there's lots to be celebrating.

And somehow, I hope it's not to presumptuous or bad-karma-risking to hope 2008 is an even better year. After all, it's going to be the year I get married, and I suppose in many ways, first engaged at 19 and second engaged at 32, I've spent a long time waiting for and dreaming about this day, a long time thinking it would never come.

It can't be August too soon, I guess.

And even though I worry about my responsibilities as (co-) head of a household, especially in regards to work, I'd like to think it's going to be an even better year there, too. I've made some mistakes, but I had a boss who had my back and I am getting another I expect will feel the same. Maybe, despite all the outside factors, we'll take strides forward and continue to do work to be proud of.

But if nothing else, 2007 was the year I stopped pondering a future stretching out ahead of me alone, like a prison sentence despite its good points, and started thinking things like, 2008 will be the year we get married, maybe 2009 will be the year we have a baby, and so on.

The future is bright. So 2008 will be a good year. How can it not be, when it feels like every day with Marisa is a better day than the ones that came before, without her?

I'll hope and pray for the best. Meanwhile, I'll worry. Maybe that should be my resolution: Not to stress.

Hah. Good luck with that. I've got a better chance of cracking 190.

Happy New Year, my readers. Enjoy the ride.