Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Smile, and the world thinks you're nuts

I was told today my blog has been very depressing lately.

What can I say? I guess I'm a little depressed and a little depressing.

I was reading PostSecret - that doesn't help, by the way - and thinking about what my secret would be.

Well, I know what my real secret is, but what my secret I'd send to them would be.

And here's what I was thinking - and I know, sharing doesn't make it a secret, but I figure once I thought of it, I might as well share.

I would write this:

"I'm brilliant and well-educated,
and every day,
I wish I were stupid and happy and innocent."

Not much of an upper, I know. Relax, I'm getting there.

It's not that I don't like being smart - brilliant might be stretching it, but it sounded better to my writer's ears. It's that I overthink everything, I beat myself up about everything, I overanalyze everything.

And I really have no one to share it with but a stuffed monkey.

Sometimes (especially on blind dates) I find myself cursing inside, feeling like I'm talking too much. But part of me suspects that's cabin fever. Am I lonely? I like spending time alone, but I think the strain of living alone, with no one to talk to, no one to share with, may be getting to me.

Especially after several months of stress at work and more stress in my personal life.

When I was in high school, I won one of the biggest senior awards, and the teacher who presented it, in his speech, called me introspective.

He meant that as a compliment, but I've always found it to be more of a curse.

Have you ever met somebody who's genuinely happy all the time, at least to the public eye? I've known a few, and they're usually either kind of stupid or kind of ditzy or whatever. And I do envy those people.

Maybe they're miserable at home when I don't see them, but they always look happy.

I'd like to be happy all the time.

I'd smile more.

Now, when I smile, people think I'm nuts. Maybe it's because I AM nuts. But that's not the point. The point is, I don't think people believe me.

But I am happy. Maybe not right now. Maybe not this month. But generally, I am.

I'm grateful for the things I have, and the people in my life. And my stuffed monkey.

But when a person has problems, a lot of that symbolic, metaphorical crap doesn't really count for much. Their problems are what matter to them. I'm no better, and I'm no different.

I sometimes think I want to be a tiny monkey because I just don't want to be an adult person, with worries, cares and responsibilities. I just want to laugh and play and run around and jump and smile, like I did when I was a child - and naive and innocent and not knowing any better.

Then my teenage years came, and everything got out of control and whatever I lost in the years since then, I can't really get back. I can buy toys. I can goof off. I can yelp "Munkee!" at work.

But that innocence is gone. Whether it left the first time I thought of killing myself, whether it left the first time I had sex, whether it left with Michelle, I don't know. But it's gone. And that's not something you get back.

So I guess I'd better make the most of what I have.

I'm trying. I really am. I got my iPod and my "Star Blazers" DVDs and my special key-making machine.

Now all I need is one bit of good news, and everything will be OK, and I can get on with my resolutions, like getting in shape and learning to scuba dive.

So if you see my smiling, don't think I'm about to kill everyone in the room. I'm not. I'm just trying to enjoy life. Or dreaming of growing a prehensile tail.

(No links down here today. Go check out PostSecret. It's excellent. But depressing.)

6 Comments:

Aric Blue said...

The post secret link didn't work for me. I used to have it bookmarked before my computer crashed, so if you find the link shoot it to me, eh?

And I too have had the thought about ignorance being bliss, so therefore the reciprocal is true--ergo, that's why I'm not happy much of the time. On occasion I wish I was a little less...aware.

Then I picture my man Aric Blue taking out some of them peons and it makes me smile!

Ace said...

It should work now, Aric. Thanks for the heads-up. This HTML coding still tangles me up sometimes.

Lesley said...

I don't think I've met anyone who's genuinely happy all the time, unless they're, as you mentioned, stupid and/or ditzy. And I don't trust people who act smiley and shiny happy all the time. It makes me wonder what cult they're in, and if they're going to try to get me to join. No Kool-Aid for me, thank you very much.

The part about the blind dates made me laugh -- not in a Schadenfreude kind of way, but because I could relate. On the last blind date I went on, I thought I was talking too much so I told the guy "Most people crack their knuckles when they're nervous; I crack jokes." That seemed to help. It didn't work out though. He said I was "too smart." All righty then!

Also, PostSecret rocks! Some are a wee bit depressing, but overall I just love them. It's like a whole novel right there on a 3" x 5" card -- brilliant!

Stewie said...

There are good days and bad, an it looks like you are in the bad ones.

But, on the bright side, the bad ones are fewer and farther between than before (I hope)?

And you are nuts, dude. You aren't fooling me.

Anonymous said...

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Ace said...

He said I was "too smart." All righty then!

The trick is to be able to sound a little dumber than you are, I guess.

Well, I don't know. If I had a clue, I'd have a girl.

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