Friday, January 20, 2006

Man up, dude. Really.

Today's rant is aimed at the fan threatening to sue Knicks forward Antonio Davis and his wife for a million bucks.

OK, here's the summary:

The other night, Davis went into the stands at a road game to - according to him - protect his wife from an apparently drunken fan.

This, a year or so after the Pacers' brawl with Detroit fans, got him a five-game suspension. And now, it may get him a lawsuit.

Thing is, according to most media reports, nary a punch was thrown.

But the fan claims he was not drunk, and Davis' wife is to blame for the altercation because she tried to scratch him.

Tried to scratch him?

You're a 22-year-old guy. Man up, dude.

I mean, OK, your father's a power broker in Chicago, so maybe you're spoiled, I don't know. But have you no pride?

Be a man, and throw your punch, and let the huge basketball player kick your ass... then sue. That's the American way.

This? This is the fisticuffs equivalent of a car crash victim suing over whiplash.

Nobody touched this guy, and he's traumatized? What did he do, soil his panties? For crying out loud.

A million dollars? For what? What pain and suffering is this guy going through, other than making himself the butt of jokes for days to come?

The woman grabbed his face? The man walked up and got security?

A few years ago, a Flyers fan FELL INTO THE PENALTY BOX at the F.U. and got into a fight with the Leafs' Tie Domi, one of the league's all-time great cement-heads. Now that, that could lead to a lawsuit. I could get behind that. He was a man. He threw his beer, he threw a punch, he got his ass kicked by one of the toughest guys in hockey.

This got guy yelled at. Er, this guy got yelled at. (OK, I went back to edit there. Sorry. Didn't want to sound like the Right Rev. William Spooner.) And he's crying all the way to court.


If a woman tried to claw my eyes out, you know what, that would be the highlight of my weekend. Hardly traumatic. And when I was 22 (was it that long ago?!) I was in fighting shape. Not in such great shape that a 6-9 power forward couldn't tear me in half, but at least I'd have tried.

Dude. You're a disgrace. Your manhood should be REVOKED.

This player, at risk of salary and reputation, went into the stands to defend his wife - that's something a real man does. You could learn a lesson from that. And it's not to sue him because he scared you.

Look, I wasn't there. Maybe the woman did start things. Maybe she threatened him, grabbed him, tried to scratch him.

(She TRIED. You wimp.)

But if you have no pride, if you have no honor, if you have no balls...

You could've at least hit her with your purse.

Manhood personified
Manhood NOT personified

Disclaimer One: Yes, I realize "hit him with your purse" is a time-honored sports diss. (And one of my favorites.) This should in no way be seen as any kind of statement on homosexuality. I think most of the gay men I know would've done more than hide behind their lawyer's and father's skirts. But I did try to avoid terms such as "wuss" and "pansy" so as not to insult gay men by comparing them to this coward. Heck, most of the LESBIANS I know are tougher than this.

Disclaimer Two: It's a litigious society, and this guy seems prone to suing. So please note that all of the above statements are intended as satire, parody or anything else that will keep me from winding up in court alongside Mr. and Mrs. Davis, who I'm sure can afford a better lawyer, with all due respect to mine. Insert "allegedly" where appropriate.


Freak Magnet said...

Don't dismiss whiplash, man. My neck ain't been the same since my accident.

Mairosu said...

You linked to that filthy racist Scoop Jackson. Really, you lost all your cred with that.

Ace said...

Oh, come on, Scoop's first good column ought to be heralded, right?