Trading Spaces Meets Deadwood

OK, this was going to be a post about my day on the movie set, where I got to act.

Instead, it's going to be a profane rant. Despite my parents' complaints about my language, and despite the fact that I can demonstrate an ample amount of eloquence when I set my mind to it, there's no way around this one.

I'm royally pissed off!

(No, this isn't about Prince Charles and Camilla. It's an adjective, not a way of life.)

Disclaimer: Generally speaking, I am an alpha-male type (you couldn't tell? I've written posts about wrestling, the Civil War and metal/rock music, pay attention!). Most of my TV watching consists of ESPN, the "Tonight Show" and HBO.

But my weakness over the past few years has been TLC. More specifically, TLC's home-makeover reality shows, "Trading Spaces," its neglected stepchild "Trading Spaces Family" and "While You Were Out."

If you watch "Trading Spaces," you might have guessed where this is going.

"Trading Spaces" dumped Paige Davis, the hostess. Tonight, the first "hostless" episode aired, and I taped it and am just finishing up watching it. I couldn't even wait for the end to start writing.

Because, as a reminder, I'm ROYALLY pissed off.

Let me put it this way, as a TS fan, I'm inclined to unleash a stream of words more likely to be found on HBO's "Deadwood" than on "The Learning Channel."

Well, here's your lesson, so learn this: YOU FUCKING BLEW IT.

What the fuck were you thinking, TLC?

Let the record show those are my first two f-bombs of this blog. I hope that gives you some idea of how upset I am.

Saying this show is soulless without Paige Davis is something like saying the Raiders had some trouble with the Bucs in the Super Bowl a few years ago. That would be the game where Rich Gannon threw five interceptions, three run back for touchdowns, and I had to be restrained from throwing my Gannon collectible figure through my Hillsborough Glass noncollectible window.

To borrow another phrase from "Deadwood," what cocksucker came up with the brilliant fucking decision to dump Paige? (And adding insult to injury, evidently leaving the idiotic Joe Farrell employed on TSF, the EA "NCAA Football" to TS' "Madden." For those of you who doubt my alpha-male credentials from the fact that I watch TS, ask your husband or boyfriend to explain the analogy.)

I'm so angry I can't even think coherently, and mind you, this is the end of one of the cooler days of my life. This is also the new, improved, "kindler gentler" me that has blossomed in recent months.

I'm trying to restrain myself, Mom, I really am.

But this is the most boneheaded decision in television since someone thought a Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson duet would boost Super Bowl ratings.

God fucking damn it.

Can you get in trouble for e-threatening TLC? Because if I get my hands on the genius who thought dumping the most popular cast member on a show with struggling ratings would help, I'm going to wring his fucking neck.

I don't want more time with the stupid homeowners. I don't want more time with the designers, even though I like almost all, because they show up about once a freakin' month. What binds the show together? (Besides duct tape...) Paige. There's a reason the job is called host, you fucking morons.

And you know what, TLC, you want to improve "Trading Spaces' " ratings? Get Television Without Pity to start covering the show again. They're covering "Deadwood," where you can "learn" what some of these words I'm using mean.

Pay TWOP if you have to. My TS experience hasn't been the same since Deborah hung up her TS keyboard because you were AIRING TOO MANY GODDAMN EPISODES.

So now, not only are you airing too many goddamn episodes, you've ruined the goddamn show!

Well, it'll stop my digital recorder conflicts on Saturday nights, that's for damn sure. Between this and moving WYWO around to every freakin' night of the week, I'm pretty sure I can take TLC off my cable box "favorites."

Put on a show about what former homeowners think of the people who bought from them. Yawn. Put on a show where likeable Genevieve Gorder tries to redo towns with the help of people so unlikeable they'd make Will Rogers drop a nuke on the hellhole that is Jeffersonville, New York.

And take the show that put your lousy network on the map and gut it. Gut it like a fish. Smart, real smart.

I'm running out of steam. I'm exhausted. My fury burns itself out easily these days. But a good grudge lasts a long time. I'm my father's son, and he once held a grudge for 20 years. I aspire to that level of greatness.

My old "Blood Bowl" game makes reference to the Great Book of Grudges. Congratulations, "Trading Spaces," you're officially entered in mine.

Thank God my buddy Anthony Venutolo got me watching "The Contender." Now THAT is a show. And Sci-Fi is finally re-airing one of my other buddy Dave Hawkins' favorites, the new "Battlestar Galactica," so I can catch up.

I burned out of "Iron Chef," my old favorite TV show, but I couldn't imagine I'd ever get tired of "Trading Spaces."

And I guess I didn't exactly get tired of it. The show I loved just disappeared.

So screw TLC and screw this "hostless" crap. I'll miss some of the cool designers and carpenters, and maybe I'll try to watch the next episode.

But every now and then, an alpha male has to take a stand in his home-decorating-show-watching.

And I'm going to take mine, armed with this blog and my alpha male universal eight-device infrared remote.

CLICK.

Links:
"Trading Spaces" on TLC (you can find the other shows there)
"Deadwood" on HBO
Paige Davis' home page
Television Without Pity, which every TV fan should read
Will Rogers' home page
Blood Bowl home page
"The Contender" on NBC
"Battlestar Galactica" on Sci-Fi
"Iron Chef" on the Food Network
Defining "obscene," like the words in this rant

Nope. I waited five minutes. I'm still royally pissed off.