Ron Popeil Would Be Proud... If Any of This Were His

I can't cook.

If it doesn't come in a box or go with ground beef, I don't have a prayer.

Needless to say, I buy a lot of meals.

But if there's one thing I actually like about cooking - or trying to - it's the gizmos.

Sure, I have a toaster with an extra-wide mouth for bagels. Who doesn't? I'll bet you do.

But do you have a frozen-pizza cooker? It rotates, heats from above AND below, and will do up a frozen pizza in less than 20 minutes. Now this is an invention of the gods.

The quesadilla maker met with a little less success. Sure, quesadillas rock. And in theory, they're easy to make. A couple of tortillas, some cheese, some jalapenos, and ...

I almost burned down the freakin' house.

They EXPLODED.

Cheese everywhere, including into the electrical elements. Egad.

Turns out, if I'd read the instructions a little closer, I'd have realized you need a certain size tortilla. And I bought the wrong size.

But, after that little fiasco, and some heavy-duty cleaning, the quesadilla maker is back in business.

The problem with most of these machines is, they're messy. And the king offender is the famous Foreman grill.

This thing drips pure fat into a plastic tray. PURE FAT. That's appetizing.

My little sandwich cooker is just as bad - it grills sandwich pockets, and my, are they tasty.

And of course, I have a microwave. I wouldn't survive without that.

You should see my kitchen. It's '80s-era, '70s-look, and has almost no counter space. But I've filled every inch of the counters with gadgets and gizmos. So it's almost impossible to make anything! I can't win.

The over that came with the house had a broken broiler. I could've bought a new one. But I don't know what a broiler does. And since I don't need one, and hardly use the oven as is, why waste the money on that?

After all, I've got DVDs to buy.

I also have two giant boxes of recipe cards. They have pretty pictures and I bought a pack every month until I owned them all. I'm a completist, you know. So I look at the cards. I admire the pictures. Healthy Meals in Minutes. A few ingredients, a little prep time, and five years of cards. And how many recipes have I made?

None. They don't have anything for a pizza cooker.

But if it's a toy, I want it. Even for the kitchen. Useless as a bag of wet mice, as Dave would say, but still.

Links:
Find Healthy Meals in Minutes recipe cards
Read about the Pizza Pizzazz, from Presto
Santa Fe Quesadilla Maker ratings
George Foreman's gift shop, where you can buy a grill
And a Toastmaster Sandwich maker

Movie recommendation of the day: "Bend It Like Beckham."

I gave nine years and two knees to soccer and spent another year covering it in college, with nary a varsity letter to show, just scars, and cracks and pops when I limp. But still, this is a great movie about a great sport. And it has Keira Knightley, as an added incentive.

Bonus link: "Bend It Like Beckham"