Thursday, December 15, 2005

Political stances... today, anyway

I'm bored and I can't think of anything to write. I'm done with work and I was reading a couple of Web sites that deal with politics, and I thought it might be fun to list where I stand on a variety of interesting issues.

Pretty lame post, but on the other hand, it might be exciting. And who knows, maybe 20 years from now, pundits will be poring over it to try and decided if I'm qualified to be a Supreme Court justice, or if I'll just be an activist*.

* = "activist" being defined as somebody who doesn't rule the way you want.

Keep in mind, not only am I a wee bit crazy, I'm moody. As a result, I reserve the right to change any position at any time. Kind of like when I'm on the chaise watching the big screen at home.

Are you ready, fundies? Buckle your seat belts and place your Bibles in their locked, upright positions.

Here are some stances, chosen at random. Standard disclaimer: These are just my opinions, here for your amusement and entertainment value. I speak for no one but myself. And I'm only doing that for fun.

1. Abortion - This is the biggie, I suppose, since everyone's making a fuss about Roe v. Wade ("George Bush says, 'Who cares how people got out of New Orleans, just so they got out.'"). I'm pro-choice. That doesn't make me pro-abortion. I'm just not one to tell people what they can and cannot do with their bodies. It's none of my business. Until you've walked in someone's shoes, you can't judge them. (Who was who said "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?" It probably wasn't somebody outside an abortion clinic. But it might have been somebody in whose name those jerks are throwing stones.) And hey, maybe you do go to hell for having an abortion. You probably do. But that's part of the choice, now isn't it?

2. Death penalty - That whole Stanley "Tookie" Williams thing was big in the news the other day. I'm in favor of the death penalty, too. Unlike the crazy lefties who are pro-choice and anti-death penalty, or the crazy righties who are pro-life and pro-death penalty, at least I'm consistent. Kill 'em all, I say. I think you should be as sure as you possibly can be that the person is guilty, but some people don't deserve to live, and others are never going to be redeemed. I don't know Tookie, but I tend to side with the folks who claim he was a poseur and wasn't remorseful in the least. I'm tough on crime. What can I say?

3. The new wave of censorship - Fimly opposed. Hey, I write horror movies. Like I want the FCC to be telling me what I can and can't see. I'm an adult. I know what I like. You want irony? I went out for food at halftime of that Janet Jackson Super Bowl, because I didn't want to miss any of the game, and nothing ever happens with the stupid halftime show. Who wants to hear Justin Timberlake sing? My bad. This, by the way, is why I'm always torn about supporting Joe Lieberman - I mean, he's a fellow Jew, but his stance on the whole Hollywood thing is just such a turnoff.

4. The war in Iraq - Well, at least Bush finally admitted his "intelligence" was more like his intelligence. Poor. I support our troops, wholeheartedly, but I think we went to the wrong war in the wrong country for the wrong reasons. So we either ought to bring them home or fight this war to win. And I mean the war on terror, not the whole Iraq democracy thing. Good luck with that. I mean, let's go find Osama and string him up somewhere. Wasn't that kind of the post-9/11 point? Back when the world sympathized with us, instead of hating us? So let's kick some ass and get our bravest men and women home. Or at least to Afghanistan to find bin Laden, and then home.

5. Fur - Well, fur probably is murder, but what's the point of a mink if it's not to become a coat? I mean, it's not like you can buy a coat made out of a puppy or a munkee. Then I'd be against it. But frankly, I just don't care. Some animals are meant to be a) eaten; b) used for lab tests; or c) turned into coats. That's natural selection. Darwinism.

6. And speaking of Darwinism: Intelligent design - Evolution all the way. And I don't just mean the Lancer Evolution. I mean, let's be real. The bulk of good and decent science favors evolution and survival of the fittest. Intelligent design is just another way for people to show they aren't, and it wasn't, or they wouldn't be here. And I mean, come on, the duck-billed platypus? Whose freakin' image was that created in? Like God, in his Intelligence, was sitting around like this:

• "Aw, shit, Gabe, I've got this leftover bill, a tail from that... what was it?"
• "Beaver, my Lord."
• "Right, beaver tail. Bill. Webbed foot. What the Heaven can I make out of this? And an egg pouch."
• "Well, my Lord, perhaps a creature designed to move swiftly through water and confound those You created in Your image years from now, when they try to decide what's a 'mammal.'"
• "Mammal... those are the ones with the tits, right?"
• "Yes, my Lord. The live birth-milk thing."
• "I need a break. Is it Sunday yet? What's the point spread on the Raider game?"

(Wait for it...)

Ok, no lightning strike. I do have to admit, those little Jesus Fish eating the Darwin Lizards on the backs of cars are kind of funny.

7. Israel and the Middle East - Obviously, as a Jew, I'm pro-Israel, and relatively hawkish (see the "if you're going to play, play to win" riff on the war in Iraq, above). But really, that crazy Iranian president has a point... not the one about the Holocaust "myth," but the one about giving Israel land somewhere else. I mean, what idiot thought putting the Jews right in the middle of all the people who hate them was a good idea? Why couldn't we give them the northern half of Florida? They were all going to end up there anyway? (I once turned down a job in Florida partly because it struck me that I'd be the first person in my family who wasn't moving to Florida to die.) And why not the whole state? Well, the southern half would be for the Cubans. What about Arizona? Or New Mexico? Does anybody really notice what happens in those states? I mean, they're hot, desert, full of ancient wonder (like the Grand Canyon). Give them to the Jews. Presto! Instant world peace!

8. Political correctness - Like you can't tell? Firmly opposed. I'm a proud member of the Politically Incorrect News Team, est. 1995. I really do hate radicals, on both sides, and the radical left has this thing about not offending anybody about anything. Whereas, I'll offend anyone if it'll get a laugh. I once worked in college with a girl who was - literally - African-American. She was very into her African heritage (she eventually went to Ghana, I think), and she once asked me if I had studied my Vietnamese heritage. I thought about it for a second and then said, "Sure. I've seen 'Platoon,' 'Hamburger Hill' AND 'Full Metal Jacket.'" Never seen a black person turn white before. But she was that horrified. Hey, when you're a Vietnamese Jew, you're a walking menace to the PC police. Deal.

9. Gay marriage - I think at the least, there should be civil unions, or whatever they're called. If you sign a form that says you're life partners or whatever, you deserve the benefits. And really, this "sanctity of marriage" crap gets on my nerves. If I were in Congress, and I heard them talking about an amendment to ban gay marriage because of the "sanctity of marriage," I'd get up and say, OK, listen, anybody who's not divorced, never cheated on their wife, doesn't have an intern under their desk - you guys can vote for this "sanctity of marriage." The rest of you can drink a nice tall glass of Shut the Fuck Up. Well, I'd probably have to be a little more eloquent than that, but my God, that just bugs the hell out of me. These holier-than-thou people whose only good way of life is theirs. What happened to love thy neighbor, live and let live, let he who is without sin cast the first stone? (I know, I used that one already. Sorry. Same point, different subject.) Love has nothing to do with gender or sexual orientation. Why should some people in love deserve anything less than others? Because, as some wingnut once said, "God hates fags"? God hates assholes, too, I'll bet, and they're allowed to marry. Otherwise, Dick Cheney wouldn't have a lesbian daughter.

10. The "culture of life" - More right-wing crap. Jon Stewart said when George W. Bush was governor of Texas, he signed a bill that allowed hospitals to pull the plug on vegetables when their insurance ran out. This is the same guy who wants a Constitutional amendment or something to save one vegetable in Florida? Hypocrisy! I call "bullshit!" I'm in favor of dying with dignity. Not so sure about assisted suicide, but then, why not? I'm on record as telling people if I'm ever a vegetable, they can pull the plug. Just make sure I'm not going to wake up and recover first, eh? Life is not as sacred as fundamental human decency. Not one life, anyway. Certainly not the shell of a life. Anyway, ten's a good round number, so this is it for now. End of rant.

11. Gun control/hunting - Screw it, this one goes to 11! I thought of another fun hot-button topic. They just finished Big Bear Hunt #2 in New Jersey. And I'm cool with that. I believe in gun safety education. I believe people should be allowed to have handguns and hunting rifles - with licenses and waiting periods and education. I'm opposed to automatic weapons. Face it, if you want to hunt, you know when hunting season is. Buy your gun seven days ahead of time. And if you've been convicted of a felony, you don't get a gun. You don't get to vote, either, so deal with it. As for automatic weapons, well, heck, if you need an AK-47 to shoot Bambi's mother, you're not a real hunter. I could shoot a deer with an AK-47. And hey, regular people shouldn't have bigger guns than the COPS. That's how criminals kill police officers. That's BAD. And any self-respecting, law-abiding gun owner should be able to follow the rules and not have to worry or feel like he's missing out on something. Learn to use it so you don't accidentally shoot your kids. Wait a week, it might keep some other idiot from shooting his wife on impulse and ruining it for everyone else. Go hunting, and keep the goddamn bears off the goddamn Interstate. Yes, I saw a freakin' bear on I-78 once. To me, that means there's too many of them. Now... end of rant!

There you have it. Some random samplings of my political thoughts, for posterity. Discuss amongst yourselves. Or post a comment if you want to hear more, or want a particular answer.

And remember, especially if you're one of my superiors at work, I'm just screwin' around here, having some fun, and establishing a track record for when they pass the Schwarzenegger Amendment and I can run for President. That's one Constitutional amendment I could get behind. Ace in 2012!

(Notice how, after a year and change of the Governator, no one talks about Arnie for President anymore? Or "Terminator 4," for that matter.)

• No links today. This post is all about me!


Stewie said...

Unlike the crazy lefties who are pro-choice and anti-death penalty, or the crazy righties who are pro-life and pro-death penalty, at least I'm consistent.

That always makes me laugh.

I'm anti-people, so I'm pro-abortion and pro-death penalty.

Lesley said...

Well, at least Bush finally admitted his "intelligence" was more like his intelligence. Poor.

Is it just me, or is this not getting enough attention? Why isn't it on the front page of every newspaper? Why is the lead news story all about some minor snowfall and the latest on Britney & K-Fed instead? Is he going to make a big announcement of Mission NOT Accomplished? Jackass.

Oh and count me in for the pro-choice, pro-death penalty crowd. I spent 4 frickin months on a grand jury earlier this year. If that doesn't make you tough on crime, nothing will.