Sunday, April 05, 2009

Joy and karma

Sprout's a girl! (Well, 99 percent sure, says the ultrasound tech.)

On the one hand, I'm thrilled to death. Daddy's Little Girl!

On the other hand, I'm aging in dog years.

It's funny. I thought at the start it would be a girl, then I slowly became more or less convinced it was a boy, maybe 70/30. But the last couple of weeks before the ultrasound, I was starting to waver. I just started feeling like it would be a girl. I was down to maybe 55/45 boy by the time the tech showed us the three little lines that mean it's got girl bits.

Marisa and I would have been thrilled either way, I imagine, but I know it's extra special for her being a girl. But it's special for me, too.

I have a buddy, Hawk, who has two adorable daughters (also half-Vietnamese) and he warned me: The trouble with having daughters is, you remember that jerk you were in high school, and all your buddies were? Now you're sending your little girl off to deal with those jackals.

And I've dated/known enough girls who have been messed up by their fathers (such as the one athlete whose father called her fat once, and had about a 1% body fat percentage and still worked out like a fiend so she wouldn't be "fat") that I'm just worried about what I could without meaning it.

So now, on top of praying for good health and happiness for Sprout, I've started praying for strength. I want to be a good father, a great father, but I know I'm even less equipped to deal with a girl than with a boy. I can only do the best I can do, and that's what I mean to do.

But I married the first girl I dated who didn't have more issues than a newsstand, and even she has told me some things that have happened that have hurt her and make me wonder.

She won't let me buy a gun, either. But I guess I'm torn between feeling like my parents loved me so much they were almost overprotective, and the instinct that I have to protect little Sprout no matter what.

It's a lot to think about between now and August. And you think I was worried before...

On the upside, a) little girls get the cutest clothes; and b) I have a great wife who will be able to help with all the things that arise - particularly the "girl" things.

And, of course, every time I think of my beautiful little girl, I smile. That helps.

Right now, we're learning towards Emma Claire. What do you all think?