Monday, February 06, 2006

Guaranteed neurosis

So after all my confusion about this mysterious "tagging," I got tagged. And it really is just like the game, it seems. Freak tagged me. And also tagged just about every other regular single blogger I know who might read this and who I might conceivably tag. This isn't starting well.

So what'd she tag me with?

Describing my perfect partner in eight requirements. This got me thinking.

And that's never a good thing.

Because, fundamentally, there's perfection, then there's reality. And then, of course, there's acceptability.

So let's set some ground rules before I describe my "perfect" partner. First off, I'm trying to be reasonable here - because after all, Keira Knightly could be a royal brat in real life, but I have no idea, just a sad little crush. Secondly, I'm not stating my minimums, but aspiring to something greater - and I feel guilty about that. I was in love once, and ladies, just because you don't fit the list doesn't mean I couldn't be in love with you. Third, OK, I understand I'm not perfect. A guy like me is going to have to compete for any woman who lives up to these standards. But it's a fantasy world. So I'm going to indulge myself. Fourth and final, remember, I'm trying to list the things I'd want in a woman who might actually exist here on Earth. And be MY perfect partner. Forever and ever.

That out of the way, here goes. These are not necessarily in order of importance, but more like the order I think them up. Oh, and keep in mind, I'll give what I get - I expect my girl would have a list of eight of her own, and I'd do my best to live up to it.

1. She should be able to put up with me. Look, I may not be as weird as it seems if you only know me from this blog, but at the very least I'm quirky. And I'm at least a little weird, if not a lot. I have a variety of interests, a series of nervous tics, a dreadful aversion to mornings and I snore like a chainsaw. She's got to be able to deal with them all without nagging me about them. I'm 30 years old. This is who I am. Yes, I can stop talking to my stuffed monkey in front of her. No, I will not stop playing Dungeons & Dragons with my friends. Yes, it's important to me to craft a well-rounded, interesting character for said game. No, I will not stop screaming at the TV while the Raiders are blowing another &#$#ing game. And so on. I promise, I'll try my best to be tolerant of her quirks, too.

2. She should be attractive to me. Yeah, it's shallow. But I'm not talking about Body By Goddess here. I'm saying she has to be attractive enough that a) I want her all the time; and b) I'm not embarassed to put her picture on my desk at work. Y'all know at least one co-worker whose spouse, in a desktop photo, is so freakin' ugly you feel sorry for the guy/girl for having to go home to that. Ideally for me, maybe a blonde, or an Asian. Nice breasts. Some curves, but not too fat. My theory, which may be a bad one, is that I'm probably a "6" or "6.5" if you like broad-shouldered Asians. So I figure I'm entitled to at least a "5." And I would be delighted with a "7." I don't really have a type, though Stephanie's coloring was vaguely reminiscent of Michelle's (pale skin, auburn hair, pretty face), they were built completely different. You get the point. Sexy is good. Great. Point is: I want to be able to look at her and see love, and lust, and everything in between.

3. We should have shared interests. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean we have to like the same things and do the same things together. But it would be nice to be able to do things together we both enjoy. For me, big ones would be sports and horror movies - I know they're not high on a lot of girls' lists, but they're things I love. A guy can only take so many long walks and visits to museums - I like those, too, but come on. You guys know me. Can you imagine a girl who hates sports, dating me? And I am not going to live my life with someone who resents my interests. (Guess that sort of makes this a corollary to #1.) I know people that's happened to, and it's not pretty. Again, I'm 30 years old, and I like what I like. What would be even better is if we really did share a lot of interests - I remember fondly playing SOM hockey with Steph, and watching movies with Michelle, and even road trips with my friend Sari, who I've never gone out with but have gone places with. I guess what I mean is she ought to be good company. Life is best when shared with someone else.

4. We should be able to communicate and/or compromise. Look, I'll give a little. I'll give a lot. But I've been in relationships where I'm the only one giving, and frankly, that burns me out, and frankly, that brings out the worst in me. I'm easy to get along with, mostly. As for communication, I'm honest, to a fault. I want honesty back. I'd rather be told my shirt's hideous and should be thrown away than have this become some kind of festering bit of anger. Plus, I like to talk, and I like to converse. I want to be able to talk to, and converse with, and ask questions of, whoever I'm with. Yes, at the risk of sounding riduculously feminine, I want to be able to snuggle up with someone at night and talk about my hopes and dreams, her hopes and dreams, OUR hopes and dreams.

5. She should be able to teach me things. By this, I don't mean math. I mean, I want someone who will help me grow as a person. It could be actually literally teaching me things, like cooking. Nothing too girly like knitting, please. But it could also be showing me a better way to live, a better way to think, a deeper connection, whatever. This doesn't mean she has to be a genius. She can be downright stupid - but I'm sure there are things I can learn from stupid people. I'm a bright, somewhat naive little munkee. I can be trained. But I like to be impressed. And not just by shiny, pretty things.

6. She must, must, must must, must be faithful. That's my one demand of any partner. Faithfulness. I got cheated on once. Maybe twice. It's not about pride, it's not about sex or power. It's about honesty and trust. I'm trusting, but once my trust is violated, I have a very difficult time building it back up. Maybe it's a flaw on my part. But I have NEVER cheated on a girl, and I NEVER will. (NEVER intend to? I usually never say never, but my honor is important to me.) I expect the same courtesy. I demand it.

7. She must not have a father who hates me or potentially could hate me. Been there. Done that. More than once. Maybe it's me. I don't care.

8. She should be independent. I am. I mean, it's great to spend as much time as you can with the person you love, but I don't want someone who demands I be around all the time. I need time to myself, I need time to go out with my other friends (I hope she gets along, or even comes along, but you know how it is, sometimes you just want a beer with the guys), I need a little independence. I'm fair about this - she's certainly entitled, too. But while I'm happy to make a woman my No. 1 priority in life, she can't insist on being my ONLY priority.

Oh, and 9. She should be able to drive. I've got bad luck with that.

Um, I guess I should tag someone now. Except I don't know anybody single who wasn't tagged already. So if you want to be tagged, post a comment and I'll tag you. Otherwise... it's Monkey or nothing.


Freak Magnet said...

That's a good list, Ace.

I don't think it would be hard to snag somebody to fit those requirements.

Thumbs up!

Ace said...

Thanks, Freak. It was fun being tagged.

The tough one is No. 1. I have plenty of luck getting first dates with attractive, fascinating women. It's the second dates that are an issue.

Stewie said...

Don't underestimate the knitting, my friend.

I may take it up myself.

Lesley said...

I can teach both of you how to knit, if you'd like.

And hey, it's NOT girly. It's also good for you. The whole reason I got into it is because it ups your serotonin levels. Knitting is my prozac.