Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Fahrvergnugen. Gesundheit.

Today over at HorrorTalk's forum, somebody found a picture of an Adolph Hitler action figure.

As a Jew, I'm not quite sure what to make of this. I suggested dressing him up in a little gray-striped jumper with a yellow swastika on it, then putting him in a mock concentration camp (you know, barbed wire, ovens) and leaving him at German car dealerships. Would that be too bitter?

But it reminded me of my little comedy routine on why Jews don't drive German cars. Something might get lost in the translation from oral tradition to written tradition, but let's go for it anyway.

This all started when a friend of mine, Rolando, was looking for a new car. He would drag me all over the Lehigh Valley, where we lived, to look at car lots in the middle of the night. (We worked nights.)

So he was looking for a used Mercedes or something, and so we're standing out there in the cold, in the middle of the night, looking at these German luxury cars, when out of the blue, he asks me if I'd be offended if he bought a German car.

Now, Rolando's a minority, like me, and he's certainly sensitive toward prejudice and things like that. He's well-read, smart and generally speaking, I can't say enough good things about him. But me? I'm about as un-PC as they get, and knowing he was genuinely concerned about my feelings, I did what any un-PC human being would do.

I lied.

And I told him, no, I wouldn't mind if he bought a German car. I mean, that Mercedes logo? It's the spinning propellers of the Luftwaffe, but who cares?

(No, I have no idea if it's true. And I really don't care. So I hope Mercedes doesn't sue.)

Now he's looking a touch pale. And he says, well, what about BMW?

And I respond, same idea, spinning propellers, you know, like the ones they made for the planes that bombed Britain.

At this point, he's still buying it, but he weakly suggests Volkswagen?

The official car of the Third Reich, I respond.

And he damn near bought Japanese before I finally cracked up.

For the record, he bought a Volkswagen, I've ridden in it, and it's a very nice car.

But before that, while we were still wandering around the Mercedes lot in the middle of that winter night (no, we didn't get arrested, but I did catch a wicked cold), I realized something: I just don't like Mercedes cars. They're ugly.

Except the one little sports car. So I wandered over to check it out, and I actually was thinking it might be a fun one to drive...

Until I saw the label "Kompressor" on the back.

OK, for you goyim out there, you might get a Jew into a German car, but you're sure as hell not getting a Jew into a German car that says "Kompressor" on it!

I mean, just imagine. You get in, turn the key, the doors lock, the dashboard starts sliding toward you, the roof starts coming down on your head, and you hear this little Sgt. Schultz voice going, "Ach! Ve have you now! After all these years!"

(Off topic, did you know Werner Klemperer, who played the bumbling Col. Klink on "Hogan's Heroes," was the son of a Jew whose family fled the Nazis? His deal was that if Klink ever won, he'd quit the show. Now that's revenge.)

So, no "Kompressor" for me.

And then I thought about it, even if they didn't get me that way, there I'd be, driving down the highway, and all I'd hear are the voices of my dead ancestors, muttering (insert Mike Myers "Coffee Talk" Jewish Accent here), "We knew you were adopted!"

Of course, I bought a Japanese car, which brings up a whole different set of World War II issues. And I bought my car before Rolando bought his, too.

Mercedes USA
Volkswagen of America
The "Hogan's Heroes" fan club
Werner Klemperer, Wikipedia-style
Mitsubishi, makers of my '00 Eclipse
And in case you thought I was making ALL of that stuff up...
Hitler and the Volkswagen...
BMW and the Luftwaffe
Daimler-Benz and the Luftwaffe
• And, of course, someone for your G.I. Joes to beat up.

I can't think of anything witty to say down here; I guess I expended all my wit above. So here's a bonus link: Clea Duvall, who's kinda weird-looking, but I think is hot.