Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Something I absolutely hate

OK, tonight I'm going to rant about women.

Or more specifically, something women say.

To me.

If you've got a problem with that, well, tough.

I don't hate women. In fact, I love women. I'd love them so much I'm trying to find one of my very own.

I went out on a few dates with this girl, and we had a really great time, but things just didn't work out.

I can live with that. I really can. She's excellent, and she wanted to stay friends, and I really think once I get over the disappointment of not being more - hey, I really dug her, you know? - we'll be friends.

This isn't about her. It's about something she said when giving me the bad news.

It wasn't even the bad news that bugged me. I've gotten plenty of bad news in my life. And I'm at a point where shockingly little bugs me.

What bugged me was that she said the magic words.

This isn't about her, or her saying them, she was just the last straw.

I've stayed friends with a lot of girls I've been interested in, and they've all said the magic words, and every time, it's pissed me off. Hell, I've heard it from girls I'm friends with who I haven't been interested in. I've just had enough. It's got nothing to do with them. They're my friends and I love them. I hope this particular girl will still be my friend. She's too cool not to be.

But they all said the magic words, and that's just set me off tonight. I've had enough. So ladies, if you haven't written me off as a chauvenistic pig or a complete jackass by now, pay attention. You might learn something.

You might learn that the magic words do NOT heal. They don't make things better, and they don't ease any pain or make you look any better. They are pure, 100 percent, Grade-A bullshit. So don't waste my time, or the time of other guys like me by saying them. Just be honest, if you don't think it's going to work, say so. That's fine. But don't say the magic words.

Ready for 'em? Have you guessed 'em already? Well, here they are if you haven't:

"You're a nice guy and I'm sure you'll find a nice girl."

What goes unsaid, of course, is the "Just not me."

I can't even begin to explain how much those magic words just PISS ME OFF.

I guess I am a nice guy. Most of my friends would probably tell you so. I'm not THAT nice. I'm not perfect and I can be kind of a jackass sometimes. But generally, yeah, I suppose I'm a nice guy.

And therefore, empirically, I'm well on my way to proving nice guys finish last.

Ladies, you don't have to remind me.

After all, if you're shooting me down, clearly, you're not making a convincing argument that I will, in fact, find a nice girl. I mean, by the time I worked up the nerve to ask you out and/or date you, I'm pretty well sold you're a nice girl.

I've had plenty of first dates with nice girls.

I've had one second date.

And on the third date, I heard the magic words.

Look, I'm honest, I'm objective, I know I'm not the best catch in the world, but I think I'm a pretty decent one. You like the way I look, you like the things I like, we can talk, we can get along, I'd probably really like to get to know you. So I guess I'm a simple guy, too. So you don't like me, tell me so. You want to be friends, tell me so. You never want to see me again, tell me that, too. I can handle all that.

But what I can't handle, what just sticks a goddamn knife in my gut, is hearing someone tell me that I'm so goddamn wonderful when they don't want to date me.

The kicker is, of course, it's always the girls who actually seem to appreciate that I'm a nice guy who say it. You know, the ones who stay my friends. They wouldn't be my friends if I were an asshole.

Evidently, nice girls want to find OTHER nice guys.

And this is the kind of thing that makes me figure I just don't understand women.

I joined one of those online dating services, at the recommendation of someone I know. Serves me right for trusting someone I don't know that well.

But I've reached the conclusion, reading profiles of women on these things, that women want three things: a sense of humor, honesty and loyalty.

Or they're all lying.

I believe in chemistry. I understand you have to feel something for someone. I can live with a date not feeling it with me. Hell, I've been on dates where I haven't felt it with them.

But since I have a good sense of humor, I'm honest to a fault, and if I have one characteristic in life, it's loyalty, I've reached the inevitable conclusion that one of two things should happen:

1. I'll eventually find that nice girl, purely by mathematical odds. Or,
2. I'm cursed. But that's another blog, and I don't feel like getting into it. I'm feeling lousy enough right now.

So I suppose I'll stay optimistic and keep looking for Miss Right.

And I guess that means the chances are good, I'll keep hearing what a nice guy I am.

Maybe, if I hear it enough, it'll piss me off enough that I'll cease to be a nice guy. Maybe then I'll find a girl.

But then, she'll probably think I'm an asshole.

And I probably won't be able to live with myself anyway.

Well, this worked. I'm not really upset anymore. Just kind of sad and resigned.

But I'm not depressed. So life can't be that bad. I swear to God, I'm still going to make the most of this second chance.

And hey, if you're reading this, and you know any nice girls who actually want to find THIS nice guy, help me out, huh?


Believe it or not, I've gotten enough dates out of these services that I'm almost (but not quite) convinced it's worth the money and embarrassment. What can I say? I work at night, I need some help finding girls... and I'll take help anywhere I can get it.


Stewie said...

I've always been partial to the "let's be friends" line, myself.



I know you said you don't mind, but when someone tells me that, I tell them I've got enough friends.

Ace said...

If it makes you feel any better, the first time a girl broke up with me, she said, "We can still be friends."

And I shot back, "We weren't friends before."

But that was the old me. (See next post.)

Lance Fucking Henriksen said...

"You're a nice guy and I'm sure you'll find a nice girl."

But I don't want a nice girl, I want someone like you.

Buck up, buttercup! There's more fish in the sea and ol' LFH himself knows this better than anybody.

Girls want guys they think may be slightly evil. It pays to be a little mean, but not to her. You can tell her a story where you did something mean to somebody. But it can't be cruel. The other person has to have deserved it, and you were merely administering Unholy Revenge.

Also, girls like guys with skills. Ninja skills, cattle wrangling skills, oil changing skills, etc. You need to get skills.

Best of luck with the next one, cappy. When you're done with her send her on over to ol' LFH's place! I