Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Mental Breakdown

Some days, life feels like it's spinning out of control.

This was one of those days.

One of those days where nothing goes right, where insult follows injury, where every event is frustrating, if not necessarily bad.

Everything was going so well and now it's coming unglued.

I once had a girlfriend who told me I had a dark side that she knew I had, but never wanted to see.

And some days I wonder if I'm just lying to myself about my life. This big, swaggering tough guy, cocky, confident, skilled...

Is it all a lie?

Am I neurotic, jealous, traumatized by something I don't remember and can't understand?

I have a good life. I say that all the time. And some days, I'm scared to death that it's one of those things where I've said it enough, I'm starting to believe it.

I spent most of my day trying not to scream, trying not to cry. I punched a wall for the first time in months. I kicked a metal recycling bin as hard as I could, just to make the noise.

It's agony.

And yet I feel so stupid sometimes. What do I have to complain about?

But alone, in the darkness, on days like this, I can't find my way. I'm lost. I'm alone, and no one I can talk to, no one I know, can help me. Can save me from something wrong inside my mind.

And sometimes, when the demons come, I see only one thing clearly, and that's how tired I am of fighting. I've fought too long, too hard, for too many wrong causes.

On nights like this, I despair. But I so badly want to believe life is better than this. Am I brave to face my fears, or a coward for fearing them at all?

I don't know. I want to say I don't care. But it hurts too much. I can't not care.

Happiness seems so far away.

And I'm just a small, scared little munkee, hiding in a corner in the dark. At least, I feel that way. I want to pull the covers over my eyes so I can't see the shadows play along the wall, so I can't see the shifting darkness of my life.

Won't somebody help me?

Or can only I help myself?

(I can't imagine what kind of links I'd put here.)