Tuesday, May 31, 2005

By way of explaining my smile

I keep mentioning this "second chance" I've gotten, so I suppose I have some explaining to do.

Well, I'm not going to get into the gross details, no need to frighten my poor parents, but I'll try to give you, my faithful readers, a general overview of why I'm just so darn happy today, despite yesterday's disappointment and the general state of world affairs.

I guess the bottom line is this: My whole life, or at least it feels that way sometimes, I've battled demons inside my head. I don't know if it's something that changed with puberty or what, but I went from being a happy child to a tormented teen and that didn't change with adulthood, love, college or anything else. I just found new ways to fight, new ways to ease the pain.

As Bon Jovi said, you live for the fight when it's all that you've got.

I pride myself on being a tough guy. I'm a hockey player. I'll drop the gloves with anyone. But sometimes, you're in a fight you can't win, or you feel like you can't win.

And sometimes, for me, it became overwhelming. Even disastrous.

I've tried suicide. I've hurt people I loved. I've failed when I should have succeeded. And every time, the guilt was overwhelming, the pressure snowballed, and everything got worse.

So when I turned 29, and then 30, I've tried to do a lot of re-evaluating. And I decided I'm tired of fighting something I can't beat. And I got help. And, at least for now, it seems to be working.

I guess you could sort of say I'm born again, but without the annoying Jesus fetish.

Anyway, today is a beautiful day, and the sun was out, the sky was blue, and I could kick back and pop the sunroof on the car, roll the window down, turn the radio up and cruise.

Lord knows, that's why I bought a car with 200 horses, to cruise.

I bought a salad I dig, I heard an '80s song I haven't heard in ages on the radio, I talked with my best friend for the first time in a while, and I just generally feel good.

(It helps that I think my allergy season is finally over so I wasn't sneezing like a fiend every few minutes.)

I even practiced a couple of random acts of kindness.

I told one of my friends today, I didn't get anything I wanted to get done this weekend done, I got some bad news from a buddy of mine, I got dropped like a hot rock by a girl, and yet, I still had a great weekend and woke up today feeling good.

I had a nice drive and I'm looking forward to stopping at my favorite bar after work.

And no, I'm not so stupid that I don't wonder if this isn't at least slightly unnatural.

But I'd rather be a crazy, happy fool than a crazy, depressed one.

And I love waking up in the morning and feeling good. I can't remember the last time I felt that way.

The point is, I really feel like I've got a new lease on life, freedom to enjoy every day. It's not that I don't worry about responsibilities, or consequences, I just put them in the proper perspective. I stop and smell the roses, rather than worrying about the thorns, I guess.

It's hard to explain, but I hope you can understand. I've still got moods, and I'm sure I'll rant and spaz enough to keep y'all entertained.

But if I'm going to share when I feel rotten, I think you deserve for me to share when I feel good, too.

The weight of the world is off my shoulders, and I can stand up straighter because of it. And smile. It's like I forgot what it was like to be happy and now I've rediscovered it and it feels wonderful.

I can't think of a single link to put here. Deal.

(See, I'm still me. Just happier.)