Dance with them what brung ya

Watching the 2009 remake of "Friday the 13th"
recently, I noticed something:

A trio of young former music video directors, given their chance at feature films, have gone on to varying degrees of success in various genres.

But something they all have in common: Sticking to what they know.

For instance, Marcus Nispel, the director of "Friday the 13th," has made what amounts to three movies. And two of them are remakes of horror classics: "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"and "F13." (The third is the Indians-vs.-Vikings swordfest "Pathfinder,"also a remake.)

Zach Snyder, another director who remade a horror Hall of Famer in "Dawn of the Dead,"has done two comic-book films out of three movies: "300"and "Watchmen."(The third being "DOTD.")

And Len Wiseman, maybe most notorious for stealing his leading lady (Kate Beckinsale) from his lead actor (Michael Sheen), has made three movies. One is "Underworld,"
and another is its sequel, "Underworld: Evolution."(The other is "Live Free or Die Hard,"the fourth John McClain "Die Hard" movie.)

Now, of those nine films in the combined oeuvre, I've seen all but one ("Watchmen," not yet on DVD). And I think I like most (thumbs-down to "Pathfinder" or "Evolution"), with something to like in all (even "Pathfinder"). Befitting ex-MTV types, they're all certainly stylish (even the gritty horror and Wiseman's "Die Hard" entry).

I guess when you have success with something, it's best - and probably safest - to stick with it, whether that's high-gloss, big-budget comic stuff or high-gloss low-budget horror stuff.

My favorites, in some semblance of order:

1. "Dawn of the Dead"
2. "300"
3. "Underworld"
4. "Friday the 13th"
5. "Live Free or Die Hard"
6. "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"
7. "Underworld: Evolution"
8. "Pathfinder"
9. "Watchmen" - have not seen

Inappropriate commercial thoughts

Perhaps you've heard me rant about the commercials they play on the News Radio I listen to on the way to work.

Like the ones with slogans that just don't make sense.

You know, the life insurance that pays "even if you don't die!" Um, I'd like to buy that one.

And just who the heck is Patricia McCann and why do I care what she endorses?

Anyway, the latest commercial to get me laughing in that "wrong" way is for the DUX bed, which apparently lasts forever.


The commercial stars Boomer Esiason, who tells the story of how some woman named Toula (presumably not this one) bought a DUX bed umpteen years ago, and despite her kids jumping on it, has never had to replace it.

Boomer then points out he and Toula have something else in common...

And my inappropriate instinct is to respond:

"No Super Bowl rings."

It's apparently really that he also is a longtime DUX bed owner.


I don't know if this Boomer owns a DUX bed, but she's got zero Super Bowl rings, too.

Terror under the sea!

So the other night, I was watching "DeepStar Six,"and I was reminded of the heady days of my youth, back when VCRs were novel and the only video store in my hometown was a little indie place full of forbidden horror movies.

My buddy Aaron and I got lured in by the excellent video box for "DeepStar Six," but every time we hit the new-release rack, the lone copy was out.

So we went on an undersea-horror kick.

We rented such flicks as the very-similar-looking "Leviathan"and "The Abyss,"(which turned out not to be horror at all).

Ironically, by the time we got to "DeepStar," it turned out to be the worst of the lot.

(Aside: We were sci-fi/horror junkies, thanks to "Aliens,"which he got to see in theaters and I, banned by my overprotective but well-meaning parents, got to see when it made its HBO debut. One highlight: We saw an "Alien"-ripoff film called "Creature"on TV, then rented it, and discovered - in front of his startled parents - that there was a nude scene which obviously had been censored from the network broadcast. (Response to their shock: "That wasn't there when we saw it before!") "Creature" helmer William Malone went on to direct the "House on Haunted Hill"remake and got dubbed a "Master of Horror" for it.)

Looking back, these undersea creature features are some of my favorite movies, despite some stretches of awfulness.

(I should perhaps use the term "undersea" loosely, as while Jim Cameron's "The Abyss" was shot in a huge tank of water, the DVD insert for "Leviathan" confesses they faked all the underwater scenes with filters and particles in the air.)

But what struck me the other night was... for B-movies, "DeepStar" and "Leviathan" have some pretty strong casts!


For comparison, Cameron's "Abyss" has:
Stars Ed Harris ("The Right Stuff"), a four-time Oscar nominee, and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio ("The Perfect Storm"), herself an Oscar nom, with Cameron favorite Michael Biehn ("Aliens") in the biggest supporting role. Others of name include John Bedford Lloyd ("Super Troopers"), J.C. Quinn ("Copycat") and comic Chris Elliott ("Groundhog Day").

Sean S. Cunningham's "DeepStar Six" has, in addition to the creator of "Friday the 13th":
Stars Greg Evigan (TV's BJ from "BJ and the Bear") and Taurean Blacque ("Hill Street Blues") plus "That Guy" superstar Miguel Ferrer ("Robocop"), soap star Nia Peeples, Matt McCoy (the star of "L.A. Confidential's" TV-series-within-a-movie) and Cindy Pickett (best known as Ferris Bueller's Mom). Even "Riptide's" Thom Bray shows up.


And George P. Cosmatos' "Leviathan" has, in addition to the director of "Tombstone":
Stars Peter Weller ("Robocop" himself), Richard Crenna ("First Blood") and Amanda Pays ("Max Headroom"), with Daniel Stern ("Home Alone"), Ernie Hudson ("Ghostbusters"), Lisa Eilbacher ("An Officer and a Gentleman"), Meg Foster ("Masters of the Universe") and Hector Frakkin' Elizondo ("Pretty Woman"). That's almost the entire cast!